In the world of entertainment, scandals and secrets abound, and this week is no exception. From ghostly visitations to unexpected weather forecasts, here’s a glimpse into the juiciest rumors circulating in the industry.
Ghostly Editorial Visits:
A legendary bastion of journalistic integrity has been slightly less active lately, and it’s not hard to see why. The editor of this illustrious publication has been visited by three ghosts, and he didn’t like what he saw! The Ghost of Reality Past showed him the bright-eyed and bushy-tailed youngster of six months ago, ready to bring the truth to the world. The Ghost of Reality Present showed him legions of readers watching dumb TikToks and doomscrolling social media, but never liking or sharing his posts. The Ghost of Reality Future just loomed like a sleep paralysis demon, though instead of a cool fedora, he wore some sort of strange Cat in the Hat meets a giant worm headgear. Just pony up the cash for some ads and quit wasting your time on Instagram!
Summer Is Canceled:
Memorial Day marks the beginning of summer for most Americans, but a group of scientists at a weather-related government agency has slipped us the details: SUMMER IS CANCELED! Apparently, their math on greenhouse emissions was way off, and June, July, and August temperatures are expected to plummet to levels usually only seen in the depths of February. The only workaround seems to be maxing out greenhouse gas emissions by any means necessary, so fire up the charcoal grill, go for more long drives, and make sure you eat your share of beef, and then some! Hey, that was my plan already!
Cryptid Conundrum:
The world’s second-favorite bipedal, hairy cryptid has been having a pretty busy month in the American West, and no one seems to know why, but where’s his canine counterpart? There’s a pseudo-werewolf that’s barely been mentioned in The Reality Register as of late, and it just makes no sense. Give the people what they want, and we all know it’s Dogman! Sorry, I know this is a blind gossip column, but this is just too important.
Necromancer Political Battles:
We all know that necromancers are controlling the country, but it seems that they’re not all of one mind in their dastardly schemes. Some, it seems, favor continuing to restrict “reproductive health services,” saying that it leads to a level of misery and despair that helps in their negativity-based magic. Other, more traditional ghoul-wizards say that they want to keep the human sacrifices coming at the massive rate that they’re accustomed to and want to see universal, mandatory infanticide at least once from every womb. The battle between these two factions looks a little weird from the outside, but now that you’re in the know, hopefully politics makes a little more sense.
Meme Dog’s Final Goodbye:
Finally, some sad news. A certain meme dog has finally gone to heaven, where even the lousiest of dogs are said to go. He brought us a mountain of cringe and a weird cryptocurrency, but perhaps the weirdest thing about this good boi is that his owner demanded to be cremated with him! That’s right, this meme dog was so beloved that his owner decided to be burned alive rather than live without his loyal pooch. Hey, just go to the pound and get another one—there are plenty!
From ghostly visits to necromancer battles and cryptid conundrums, the entertainment industry never fails to deliver the drama. As the whispers grow louder and the secrets spill forth, stay tuned for the next installment of Reality Rumors, where the truth is always stranger than fiction.
