CAMBRIDGE – As of late, I’ve been wondering if anyone is actually reading the articles that I spend so much time writing. I had a close friend tell me that he looks at the pictures, reads the headlines and perhaps reads the caption on the Instagram posts. I was aghast. Is it possible that I’ve been pouring my soul out, baring the deepest dreams and fears that even I am loath to consider, sharing my adventures and mishaps, all for an audience of none?
Apparently, the attention span of the average internet user has been badly damaged by a nonstop stream of words, images and videos, making the very endeavor of producing fully researched, crafted and edited articles a bit of an exercise in futility. At one time, it was a common feat to read nearly 100,000 words, or a city newspaper cover to cover. Now, a paltry 500 words is a mountain too high for most to climb, even the elite readers of The Reality Register.
After that fateful conversation, I sat at home, enjoyed a Baconator and scratched off a few lottery tickets to clear my mind. I realized that when a person can easily just scroll through a Facebook feed and keep tabs on old friends, peruse the beautiful ladies and photography of Instagram, and even engage in the passive brain rot of Tik Tok short videos, it’s a daunting challenge to wrangle a set of eyeballs and ride them down the trail of truth on TheRealityRegister.com.
There’s really only one solution. I had to build a time machine. Building the machine was simple enough, as I have been working on a similar project aimed at harvesting sports scores from the future. I merely shifted my focus to transporting matter into the past and within an afternoon, my humble garage shop was host to yet another time machine.
Choosing a destination would prove difficult, as the proprietary design would only endure a single trip there and back again. Should I go back in time and prevent Al Gore from inventing the internet? How about stopping Bill Gates from inventing computers? I considered going back to sidetrack Alexander Graham Bell from stealing the idea for electricity from Elon Tesla, but ultimately, I realized that I would be better off just taking a local trip down the timeline to early 2004 so I could prevent Mark Zuckerberg from creating Facebook, the world’s first social media platform.
Finding the little guy was easy, as I did my research the night before by watching a documentary called The Social Network. Upon arriving at Harvard, I kicked down the door to Hillel and found my quarry. When he saw me, he screamed and ran, an expression on his face that indicated that he may have expected my arrival.
He fell down the stairs and I was able to pummel him with ease, beating him about the face and ears until I got tired. Then, I lectured him about the importance of face to face communication, and how we should never, ever, create a website which allows users, who sign-up for free profiles, to connect with friends, work colleagues or people they don’t know, online. We can’t allow users to share pictures, music, videos, and articles, as well as their own thoughts and opinions with however many people they like. Users can’t be allowed to send “friend requests” to people who they may – or may not – know. It’s just too dangerous
His face lit up and I really felt like I got through to him. I pulled out my phone to take a picture of his bloodied face, so I could post it on Instagram, and he threw snow in my face, laughed, and then skittered off, yelling “thank you.” A job well done, I stepped back through my time portal and into my garage.
Anyway, when I got back, nothing had changed, so I guess he still came up with the idea on his own.
Mohammed Sinclair
