ATLANTA – Sylvester Stallone has been accused by disgruntled former coworkers of toxic behavior on the set of a show called Tulsa King, some sort of Midwest mobster show airing on something called Paramount+. The internet has been buzzing with rumors that Sly, unhappy with the extras chosen for background scenes, ridiculed the extras for their age, physical appearance, and apparent extraterrestrial origin.
He is said to have teamed up with Craig Zisk, the episode’s director, to call these poor defenseless souls such atrocity phrases as “tub of lard,” “an actual alien,” and “fat guy with a cane.” Stallone, one of the most recognizable actors in Hollywood history and the writer and star of the 1976 Best Picture winner “Rocky,” which began one of the most iconic America film franchises, apparently said such mean words that the casting director quit and some other director got mad at him online.
Rightfully, every decent person online is siding with these two people that no one has ever heard of, and are backing the crowds of old and overweight extras who are the real heroes of entertainment. However, just like Rocky, Stallone is not going down without a fight – and just like Rocky, he should have quit while he still had something to lose. He is reported to have hired a new casting agency, one that is somehow willing to employ privileged extras who are not visibly repulsive.
Our exclusive sources have relayed that the script called for a scene full of hip young Oklahoma clubgoers, and the Atlanta based production made the equitable and wise decision to cast residents of the local nursing home, as well as some Grey aliens that are increasingly finding work on film and television sets, which continues to enrich the lives of everyone. Shockingly, Stallone is said to have ordered the director to “Bring in pretty young girls to be around me,” wrongfully assuming that viewers would want to see beautiful people on screen instead of the elderly, deformed, and extraterrestrial.
The Reality Register was able to speak with Alan Varnell, a full bodied elderly gentlemen who gets around with the aid of a walking stick, and was on set when this terrible tragedy occurred. “Well, it turns out they wanted a dance scene with young people, so I really was wrong for the role. Having Rocky yell at me like that was really something, it was the highlight of my year. I can’t believe he actually talked to me! He was really mean to those alien ladies, though. They creeped me out.”
While Mr. Varnell wrongfully denies that he is the victim of a hate crime based on age, disability and body size, all right thinking people are up in arms about the savage misdeeds of the washed up Stallone. The crime of being toxic is well defined and very serious, and this two bit never-was named Sylvester needs to be erased from history as soon as possible.
As for the beautiful and talented Grey Aliens? They’ll be just fine, as they will be starring alongside Zendaya in a remake of Coyote Ugly that begins filming next year.
Lhana Lhak
