SAN SALVADOR – In yet another exclusive Reality Register scoop, self-proclaimed Temporal Patriot named Liam claims to have traveled back in time from the year 2075 with a mission to alter American history. Liam, born in January of this year, believes he can secure the perfect leader for the United States by convincing the mother of El Salvador’s current president, Nayib Bukele, to become a birth tourist in the 1980s.
According to Liam, meticulous study of world history led him to conclude that Nayib Bukele was the only individual with the aptitude to turn around a country. Despite Bukele not being American-born, Liam hatched an elaborate plan to travel back to 1981, after Bukele’s conception but before his birth, and convince his mother to give birth in the United States. This, in Liam’s theory, would position Bukele to run for the presidency as early as the 2016 election.
In an exclusive interview with The Reality Register in 2024, Liam explained, “By the 2020s, it was obvious to anyone with a brain that the country was doomed. Grey aliens invaded en masse and took over the entire fast food industry, making everyone eat their weird germs, and even the Ms. Cryptid pageant was blatantly rigged. A guy like Bukele might have had the cojones to do what was necessary and turn it all around, but we never got him. Now, we have a chance.”
Liam cited Bukele’s successful transformation of El Salvador, once the most dangerous country in the Americas, into the jewel of Central America and the Bitcoin-powered central economy for the entire globe by 2075. Bukele’s tough approach to criminal elements led to a significant drop in the national murder rate, earning him acclaim for his leadership. Liam seemed puzzled that no one had ever thought of that before. “He’s a genius! If you arrest the people who commit crimes, then who’s going to do the crimes? Certainly not the Grey aliens, that’s for sure.”
The Temporal Patriot plans to bring vintage US dollars to bribe the young Olga Marina Ortez, Nayib Bukele’s mother, into making the move to America. Liam believes this move will ultimately save the soul of the United States, and he dismisses concerns about depriving El Salvador of its greatest leader with a scoff and a vulgar hand motion. “Pfffft. Who cares about El Salvador? I’m trying to make America great, and there’s only one guy who can do that: Nayib Bukele.”
When asked about the future, Liam grew glum and cryptic, mentioning something about killer bees and advising people to take it easy on the thinking to ensure their heads don’t explode. The Reality Register pressed for more information, but Liam remained tight-lipped.
Critics question the feasibility of Liam’s plan, with some dismissing it as an elaborate hoax or a delusional fantasy. Others wonder about the potential consequences of altering historical timelines and the ethical implications of Liam’s interference.
As Liam prepares to leap back into his time portal, the lingering question remains: Can one man, armed with a plan and vintage dollars, truly alter the course of history, and if so, at what cost to the present and the future? Only time will tell if Liam’s audacious mission will be remembered as a whimsical tale or a pivotal moment in the annals of temporal manipulation. Here at the Reality Register, we wish him the best of luck, for all of our sakes.
Stan Dirskon
