BOSTON – A Fat Guy With a Cane rolled over the competition at the Boston Marathon, waddling over the line at 2:04:17, beating out Ethiopia’s Sisay Lemma. His remarkable achievement stunned spectators as he surged ahead, overtaking numerous runners with every stride.
“It was like watching a jiggling, flabby miracle unfold before our eyes,” remarked one astonished onlooker.
Starting at the back of the pack, Fat Guy With a Cane displayed an impressive pace from the outset, steadily making his way through the throngs of competitors. It was at Heartbreak Hill that he truly asserted his dominance, leaving both East African contenders and American nobodies in his wake.
However, the jubilation was short-lived as a marathon official approached Fat Guy With a Cane shortly after he crossed the finish line. Citing rule 5.2.2, which prohibits the use of equipment that provides an unfair advantage, the official informed him of his disqualification due to the cane he had used throughout the race.
“It was a devastating blow,” lamented the fat guy, “I trained so hard for this moment, only to have it snatched away because of a technicality.”
Indeed, the disqualification sparked outrage among spectators and fellow runners alike, with many questioning the fairness of the ruling. Some argued that Fat Guy With a Cane should have been allowed to participate under the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) accommodation, as stipulated in rule 5.2.6. However, the fatphobic officials apparently couldn’t stomach seeing someone from outside of East Africa win, and claimed that the accommodation had to be arranged ahead of time.
“There’s a lawsuit likely to come,” revealed Jorge, the activist formerly known as the Chupacabra who is the founder of the civil rights organization Cryptid Rights Now. He approached Fat Guy With a Cane immediately after the race to offer his assistance. “After reading about the plight of his kind in the Reality Register, I knew I had to help him reclaim his rightful title from those diabolical marathon geeks.”
Despite not being a cryptid himself, Fat Guy With a Cane found an unlikely ally in the C.R.Y. founder, who empathized with his struggle and vowed to fight for justice for all the strange deformed creatures in the world.
“It’s not just about me,” Fat Guy With a Cane asserted, “It’s about fairness and equality for all participants, regardless of their size or abilities or cane wielding status.”
As the drama unfolds like the waves of fat on his torso, Fat Guy With a Cane finds himself blubbering precariously over the abyss of defeat. Will he be able to wriggle out of this mess and snatch back his title, or will he flop like a man boob from a tank top?
Meanwhile, Fat Guy’s escapade serves as a cautionary tale for anyone harboring delusions of grandeur. His epic failure reminds us all that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you’re just destined to be a disappointment. So, while he wallows in the murky depths of disgrace, the rest of us can take solace in the fact that at least we’re not him.
Franklin Carson
