WASHINGTON, D.C. – The infamous necromancer Ash Rotblood, centuries-old master of death and decay, finds himself at the mercy of the Subterranean Elite beneath the Capitol dome. Rotblood, notorious for “pre-animating” the near-corpse of Joe Biden, is reportedly enduring torture after the undead candidate’s disastrous debate performance last week. The ghoulish mage’s failure to execute proper rituals resulted in a partial animation, leaving the Biden pseudocorpse in a state of embarrassing half-life that cast a pall over the extradimensional cabal orchestrating global events.
Turncoat thralls from the underworld confirm that the death mage’s negligence stemmed from a binge-watching spree of the hit series “The Boys” after succumbing to the astro turfed positive reviews on the all astro turf social media Threads. Entranced by Anthony Starr’s portrayal of Homelander and the devious scheming of Vought International, Rotblood neglected his vile duties. Ordinarily, the necromancer would initiate his dark rituals during the full moon, but his obsession with the show delayed his visit to Planned Parenthood for essential materials. By the time he attempted the reanimation, the gibbous moon had significantly waned, resulting in a feeble resurrection spell.
The consequences of this oversight were glaringly apparent during the recent debate, where the Biden corpse’s erratic movements and incoherent mumbling drew widespread ridicule. This debacle did not sit well with the Subterranean Elite, the shadowy figures who manipulate the levers of power from their hidden enclaves. They swiftly apprehended Rotblood, binding him with rope and rune beneath the Capitol Rotunda to face retribution.
Solomon Mountbatten, the ambassador to the surface at the Mount Shasta Consulate, provided some insight into Rotblood’s predicament. “Ash has done commendable work over the years, but his susceptibility to human media distractions is a weakness. While he is currently bound and undergoing behavior correction, he is not slated for liquidation. His skills remain valuable for our long-term plans,” Mountbatten disclosed.
Rotblood’s dark sorcery has animated numerous prominent figures in recent history. Among his macabre creations are the animated corpses of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Mitch McConnell, Janet Yellen, and George Soros. Each of these mortal husks has been puppeteered by Rotblood’s necromantic prowess, serving the inscrutable objectives of the Subterranean Elite.
However, not all necromancers are as susceptible to distractions as Rotblood. Pestilian Nurglon, the chaos wizard responsible for managing the Trump quasicorpse, has demonstrated unwavering dedication. Nurglon’s steadfast commitment has not gone unnoticed; he has been granted the honor of overseeing Rotblood’s torture. Sources reveal that Nurglon revels in the opportunity to torment his rival, viewing it as a salacious reward for his own diligence.
Despite his current plight, Rotblood’s expertise remains indispensable. The Subterranean Elite’s ambitions extend far beyond the mortal realm, and their plans for the future necessitate the necromancer’s continued service. “Some light torture should set him straight in time for 2030,” Mountbatten remarked, hinting at the long-term machinations of these otherworldly beings.
As the echoes of Rotblood’s agony reverberate beneath the Capitol, one thing is certain: the necromancer’s ordeal serves as a stark reminder of the high stakes in the shadowy game of power and control. Whether Rotblood will emerge from this torment unscathed and ready to resume his dark duties remains to be seen. For now, the Subterranean Elite watch closely, ensuring their mostly-dead pawns continue to dance to their infernal tune, whether they like it or not.
Franklin Carson
