SOUTH DAKOTA – Kristi Noem, the South Dakota governor and Republican vice-presidential hopeful has admitted to personally shooting the family dog dead in a ditch 20 years ago, but new details have come to light. All of the usual blue checked suspects are wailing and gnashing their teeth at the news, but none have bothered getting the full story. The dog, a wire haired pointer named Cricket, was convicted of killing the neighbors’ chickens and ruining a pheasant hunt. A confidant close to Noem has dropped a bombshell on the Reality Register – the dog was actually a werewolf!
On a spooky night lit by a full moon partially obscured by murky clouds, the noticeably attractive Noem was relaxing after a hard day farming with a well-deserved cigar out on the back porch. Just as she tapped the last ashes on to the ground, she heard a commotion from the neighbor’s property, and rushed to investigate, her trusty pistol at the ready. What she saw astounded her, a 7 foot tall werewolf with rippling muscles and glowing red eyes was savaging the poultry of the house next door.
The beast had opened the chicken coop and was ripping the entire flock to shreds. At first, she thought it was Dogman, but upon further reflection, she noticed some properties that distinguish werewolves from Dogmen. Noem was startled, but as a stone cold girl boss, she sprung into action, launching a half dozen silver bullets at the lycanthrope invader with the kind of straight shooting she has always brought to the political sphere. Our informant says that Noem always uses silver bullets with a cross carved into them “just in case,” apparently worried about vampire werewolves and werewolf vampires.
After the werewolf collapsed, it began to transform back into the beloved family dog Cricket, who recently ruined a pheasant hunt by being too effective at spotting and retrieving. There was also a goat that she shot during the same incident, though the silver bullets were unnecessary and there are no more details. It’s safe to say that the goat deserved it.
Our sources report that the dog was cursed after passing three times through an arch made of birch with the help of a wild rose spine, which is an honest mistake that any of us could have made. Noem was crushed by the loss of the beloved family pet, but vowed to live a life of honesty and integrity in honor of the loyal beast. To pursue this aim, she became a politician, the most honorable and respected profession on earth.
It’s not clear why she put this story into her memoir.
Franklin Carson
