by Squatchmerch Staff
We all know Selkies, those based Celtic ladies who can shapeshift into seals, right? Everyone knows Selkies slay—but we interviewed our female readers to find out what their significant others have said about these Marine Mamas, and oh my god, I need to see the dentist I’ve been grinding my teeth so hard! Just check this out:
Just like always, Squatchmerch goes where nobody else does to get the dirty low down: the internet! If you take care of us, we’ll take care of you. Remember, you almost can’t spell Affiliate Link without Fellate! I’m still winking over here!
1.
“My boyfriend claims to be terrified of sharks, and says that’s why we can’t go to the beach anymore. Now he’s saying that Selkies are luring seals up the coast and attracting sharks and making it worse! He says Selkies are slutty, but I think the real reason he doesn’t want to go to the beach is that he’s just embarrassed of his shitty calves. And so am I.” — Anonymous
“I totally respect Selkies, but things got a little weird on our last beach vacay when one got too friendly with my bf. They can def be a little slutty sometimes!” – Vargynja Lucifuge, Tampa
“My man has flat-ass calves too, and he’s always making shit up to distract from them. Been there.” – Earlene M., Reno
2.
“All I wanted for Christmas last year was a Selkie’s magical coat so I could transform into a beautiful seal and play in the surf. My asshole boyfriend used it as an opportunity to make a fat joke. He did get me a new iPhone, though.” – Anonymous
“Doesn’t sound like a real man to me. A real man treats his lady with mucho respect and sensuality. HMU if you’re single.“ – Todd M., Staten Island
3.
“My husband came intae tellt me the storey that he was grazing ‘is sheep bae a rocky holm and he saw a grey seal on the rocks. He killed her, dursena ken all the legends o’ the Selkie folk. The next morn, his flock was dead, all of them. I killed ‘is sheep.” – Effie M., Orkney Islands
“Did anyone understand what she said?” – Loyda Tremaine, Somerville
“No clue.” – Ann Skull-Feud, Olneyville
4.
“I was in this completely textbook toxic relationship with – yeah, I’ll say his name – Todd Muffinz, for, like 6 years, and we were in Phase 3 where we fought constantly in public but in private were still mostly chill. My therapist told me that was pretty much the end, so I packed my shit, and on the way out, Todd had the nerve to tell me that my best friend Clodagh, who is a Selkie BTW, has B.O.! WTF!” – Lisette Smirnoff ← that’s right, that’s my married name, fuck u Todd!
“My coworker at Home Depot was a Selkie and she never smelled, so that whole thing is bullshit. She always brought in fish for lunch, and she’d microwave it, which was f**king barf though. So bad.” – @jilligansisland on Instagram
5.
“My husband constantly complains about the Selkies at the gym – and I get it, they aren’t as in rhythm as some of the folks who have been working out regularly for a while – but bless their hearts, they’re trying! I really wish he wouldn’t bring the buckets of herring to throw at them, it’s getting ridiculous. But that’s my Todd!” – Anonymous
“People go to the gym to work out and body shame other people. I wish everyone would just mind their own business and let us pump and shame in peace.” – @thetoddfather on X
6.
“Everytime there’s a weird weather event, my boyfriend Todd gets on Reddit and blasts off about how it’s all the Selkies’ fault, and how they control the weather to wreck ships, and how the government should expand hunting licenses to include–well, you get the picture. Hey, is it weird that he has a tan line on his left ring finger?” – Jill Namingway, Poughkeepsie, NY
“I started getting my news and weather from MeTV and I feel like I can trust it so much more. Some of the forecasts are like 40 years old though…” – Dave Diner, Canajoharie
“There are some cultures who have historically hunted Selkies for food, so it’s not, like, totally crazy. But they all got cursed hundreds of years ago by The Morrigan. Caveat emptor, I guess.” – Emily Turok, Pueblo
7.
“I had no idea my husband was so biased against Selkies until we took that trip to SeaWorld and he couldn’t shut up about how all the trained seals should ‘go back to Ireland where they came from!’ Three micheladas and he was sooo wasted. I thought he was just racist against Leprechauns, but now I know the truth.” – Diane S., Secaucus NJ
“I got gingivitis from Sea World. Most of the water there is not suitable for drinking! Especially the tanks! I got athlete’s foot, too. IDK where from.” – @sunsoutgumsout on Friendster
“I don’t like leprechauns either but I’d never say that outloud.” – Dr. Al Normous, DDS, Hartford
8.
“I’ve been married to my husband Todd for over a year now, and we’re expecting our first child in June, but I just can’t get over how he always calls Selkies “fat mermaids,” as if that’s not totally missing the point. I also don’t like how he goes on “business trips” for three weeks at a time. How do you find out if someone has a second family?” – @missmuffinz on X
