The Register let me back in to write a column or two as a freelancer, which means I have to figure out my taxes now. My friend Al Dino used to run the books for a tire shop, so he said he could help me out in exchange for paying rent. Why I should have to pay him anything to sleep on his recliner is beyond me, but until Shannon answers my calls, you can find me at Al’s in Dayton.
Anyways, more work is good, but they said I need to write articles that have “viral, click-bait appeal with strong SEO branding,” which makes about as much sense to me as putting football games on the same website you buy toothpaste and catheters—but when you’re talking about keyword 2026 MLB Stadium Food Showdown! there are some things you just have to do to make the man happy.
The other thing they did was give me an obnoxious list of topics to choose from. No more investigative sports reporting. Sayonara fast-breaking trade deadline news.
What am I supposed to write? Listicles, ‘People Also Ask’s, Infographics. Basically, turn my fifty years of being a Sports Journalism Leader into being a Thought Leader—and make it sharable. But down at the bottom of the list was this crummy idea about ranking stadium food, so that’s what I wrote about. Enjoy.
The 2026 baseball season is underway, and nothing’s happening with the standings for months. You know what that means: It’s time to rank the culinary experiences at some of America’s favorite ball parks. Here are the five mouth-watering finalists in the 2026 MLB Stadium Food Showdown!
#5 Cincinnati | Three Blocks from Great American Ball Park | Submarino Más Chili
I grew up in Southwest Ohio, so starting things off with the Reds is a must. Great American Ball Park is starting to show her age now, but that just means it’s that much easier to sneak in outside food. And when you’re in the Queen City, everyone immediately thinks of sweet, cinnamon flavored Skyline Chili—and then they go and get some real chili from Submarino Más.
Submarino Más is a hole in the wall sub shop about three blocks from the park, so if all you want to do is shove a sandwich down your pants and get by the ushers, you could do a lot worse. But the hidden gem is the Tex-Mex chili. Doctor it up with hot sauce if you like it caliente, and then get it ready to take into the stadium. I like to fill up an empty bladder from a box of wine with a medium chili and tape it to my chest. Perfect for cold spring baseball!
#4 Houston | Enron Dining Car | Catch of the Day
I haven’t been to Houston in a few years, so apparently they call the stadium Daikin Park now, whatever that means. But you’re allowed to still call it Minute Maid Park—it’s the same place—and before that it was Enron Park, you know, when there was still truth in advertising. But the stadium hasn’t changed much at all, even that dumb choo-choo train that rides over the left field wall every time someone hits a homer.
But that’s not the only thing that train is good for, which isn’t saying much. If you’re early for the game, you’re hungry, and you’ve got a fielder’s mitt, head to the alleyway behind left field. Pick any trash can back there and bang on that sucker until you hear the train a’coming—that’s the cue to get your head up and mitt in the air.
The old Enron train dumps a payload of goodies from the kitchens, and they’re yours to catch. Might be soup, might be buffalo tenders, might be warm pretzels. It’s always hot and sometimes fresh, just like yours truly.
#3 San Diego | Behind Petco Park | Catch of the Day
I’ve got nothing bad to say about San Diego. The weather’s fair, the Padres have been fun to root for lately, and to top it off, you’re not in Los Angeles. Petco might be the best ballpark in the league, too—you’re downtown but right on the ocean, with that damp sea air that gives hitters fits.
Petco’s known for its eats, too, but anyone who lays out an Andrew Jackson for a little fish taco has to get his head examined. When I’m in America’s Finest City, I take a before-game stroll down to the cruise ship pier behind the stadium. Keep an eye on the ground for any half-eaten hot dogs or street corn you can use for bait. Don’t worry, you’ll always find something juicy. Now here’s the hard part—fishing off the pier is technically no bueno, so what I do is run my line down my trouser leg and then just stand by the edge. Because nobody fishes there, those little guys are just dying for some bait! When you feel a tug, pull ‘em right up into your pants and hustle into the stadium in time for the Star Spangled Banner. What kind of fish did you catch? You won’t know ‘til you get to your seat!
#2 Toronto | Rexall on Wellington | Catch of the Day
I don’t make it up to Canada much on account of those things I said about Gordon Lightfoot, but every few years I put on a disguise and visit our neighbors to the north. Toronto’s a great city: it’s clean, the people are nice, and the weather usually stays a click below sweltering, even during the heart of the baseball season. And of course, Toronto has what you all came here to read about, an over-the-counter narco-tourism trade. I think I’m supposed to say 2026 MLB Stadium Food Showdown! again, because I didn’t say it in the header.
Now most squares go to the Shopper’s Drug Mart that’s closest to their hostel, load up on #1’s and 222’s, and call it a day—but who wants to deal with that many eighteen-year-olds from Grosse Pointe on a weekday? My old friend Paul Laderoute owns a Rexall Drugs not too far from the Rogers Centre, so I always go in there and pick up a few concessions for the ball game. Never know what you’re gonna get.
When I was up in The 6ix last summer to see the Blue Jays play the Orioles, Paul gave me a sample pack of what he called 49’s. He said they were Rolaids dipped in Haldol. I had a hot dog at the stadium. I don’t remember who won.
#1 Boston | Fenway Park | Yawkey Backrooms Loaded Fries
From a ballpark that’s not new anymore to one that time forgot, we’ve got our number #1 2026 MLB Stadium Food Showdown venue. Fenway Park is so old, and such a dump, that you can sneak food in at any of the five gates, but here’s the problem: the area around Fenway is trash, and you’ve gotta walk at least a mile to get hot food that’s any cheaper than the crap inside the park. I’d rather shove nothing down my pants than a $30 chicken parm.
Now you’re asking why Fenway Park is on the list? It’s because you don’t have to sneak food in, you just need to know where to go—and that’s a section of brick wall in the Concourse under right field. If you lean against that wall for about five minutes and get your hips moving a little, soon enough you glitch right through like a million little fingers were pulling you in.
There’s not much back there, and honestly, everything is so dim and slow that you wonder if you’re even alive. But there’s one stall that sells these paper trays of food. The stuff is blocky, tan, and only five bucks for a good-sized serving. I don’t know what it is, but it tastes like fries with some kind of sauce. Best value on the list as long as you can get some before the weird, disembodied head of Tom Yawkey howls down the corridor and sends everyone to the Front.
Well, that’s the Showdown. I’m sorta hungry now. Al talks about being this great cook, and how he’s going to show me real, authentic Albanian food just like his wife used to make, but I haven’t seen him eat anything except Hostess Chocolate Pies since I got here. I don’t even know where he keeps them all. Perplexing.
I’ve had his wife’s cooking too, so that part’s even more confusing. I don’t think American Chop Suey is authentic Albanian anything. Still better than the half-eaten Hostess Pies I snuck out of Al’s fingers when he fell asleep. I wonder if Marije has a recliner to sleep on? I need to get my own place again.
David Lavender
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