by Squatchmerch Staff
I’m in full-blown crisis mode for real. Can you even believe it’s almost the Holiday Season again? It feels like I just put away my protective and symbolic items for Samhain, and now people are talking about hanging Yule boughs around their hovels! It’s only Black Friday, for fuck’s sake!
Anyways, when the air starts getting that Yule-smell, I usually send out a column about all the FABULOUS and WILD holiday stocking stuffers you can buy for your loves and besties on Squatchmerch.com, but this year I have to pivot. I’ll be real with y’all: I lost most of my money playing gacha games (new patch for Bob Dylan: Love/Zero: The Times They Are A-Rollin’ comes out on Saturday so I’m finna hole up in my hovel for a minute). It just seems wrong for me to talk about all the BOUJIE and UPMARKET goods for sale at Squatchmerch when so many people in this country are dealing with the rising cost of loot drops. It’s un-American.
This year is all about luxury on a budget, babies, and nobody has a better selection of cheap crap than Squatchmerch! Fucking buy some!
1. First up, check out these incredible deals on Kirkland Vape Juice. I don’t know what I would do without my Costco card, but my morning routine would be way more expensive. Kirkland vape juice comes in three budget-flirty flavors—Carolina Gold, Plain, and Frutti di Mare—and XL sizes if you got one of those Mega Busters to honk on. With prices like these, I can seriously just sit on the toilet and vape all morning long, you guys.
Promising Review: I’ve been a Costco member since ‘89 and buy pretty much all my crap there. I go through a lot of hats. Guess I’m gonna start vaping now, too. These look tasty af. – Tony G., Saint Paul, MN
2. All the dedicated Squatchmercenaries out there know that this deal comes but once a year—and when it’s gone, even St. Nick can’t make it come back! Yup, Target announced their annual Holiday Blow-out on up&up Pipe Tobacco, just in time for Black Friday, and this year the deals are sexier than ever. The smell of pipe tobacco is so heady, it just makes me swoon. Nothing brings me back to the time I was held captive in that fishing cabin like the sweet smell of a pipe. I’m crying, but it’s 100% because of the deals.
Promising Review: I don’t smoke, but the up&up Pipe Tobacco is the perfect packing material when I’m shipping stringed instruments overseas. It’s so soft and plush. One of those delightful little tricks I learned from Judy Collins. – Larry C., New York
3. Oh. My. Gods of hedge and hearth. You have no idea how far I’m dropping into a K hole over the next budget-loving gifts I have for you. You dumb babies have it so good! Walmart has Black Friday deals on 24 ounce boxes of Great Value Oral Nicotine Pouches. Get the fuck away from me! And they’re even zestier than Zyn because the only flavor in stock is Garlic & Olive Oil, which seriously just reminds me of my Nana on a wet, shitty night like this. Don’t snooze on this one, morons!
Promising Review: Oh fuck yeah. Hells yes. This is like 30 bucks cheaper than buying that much Zyn. I’m gonna have so much gym steeze now. USA! – GE S., Scranton, PA
4. This one’s a little secret between yours truly and mein readers: the most addictive mobile game of 2014 is back with a new update even though it still looks like it’s from 2014. But anyone who follows me on Skype knows that of course I’m talking about Bob Dylan: Love/Zero: The Times They Are A-Rollin’! Duh!
The following is a paid promotion for 2x2Games
War has broken out in the Kingdom of Starwindia! Now’s the perfect time to jump into Bob Dylan: Love/Zero: Times They Are A-Rollin’, the fast-paced fantasy RPG taking mobile gaming by storm.
Assemble your team of over 200 collectible heroes, including the all-new Red Sky Legends. Play during the December Christmas in the Heart event for a chance to pull mighty champions like Covenant Woman, Lenny Bruce, and Akatsuki Moriya the Fang of the Darkness!
Join a Guild or create your own and battle for the future of Starwindia. Explore challenging stages, fight powerful bosses, and earn rare loot in the fan-favorite Rough and Rowdy Endless Dungeon (2021–2024). Then craft high-tier gear during the When I Forge My Masterpiece event and build your set of Ultimate Items for maximum power.
Download Bob Dylan: Love/Zero: The Times They Are A-Rollin’ on the iTunes App Store or Google Play store today and experience the adventure players everywhere are talking about!
Copyright 2014 2x2Games.
And guys, if you join with promo code Squatchmerch, I’ll get 5,000 Mystralyn Crystals. Please, I’m begging you, fam. Toad’s Place Endurance Battle is coming up soon. I can’t get you deals on budget-loving gifts if we’re demoted to Outlaw League.
5. Okay, I can’t be the only one who is sweating my tits off getting caps lock excited for this next BUDGET-LOVING GIFT! I’m swole up like a dang dog tick for this one, because it’s from my favorite German purveyor of foodstuffs and clothing – Aldi! I just love running those huge barcodes through the scanners and trying out chips from store brands you didn’t even know existed. That’s why this deal is so special, loves – it’s Benton’s German-style Fine Cut Chewing Tobacco in a twelve-pack of collectable tins! I’m going to need to sacrifice something to Hecate to keep from packing the biggest lipper on day one, you guys!
Promising Review: My kids complain when I buy all the store-brand stuff, but I honestly prefer Benton’s dip to Skoal. At this price it’s a great stocking stuffer. Santa ain’t skinny, but he’s gonna be dippin’ on X-mas morning! — Jim K., Tulsa, OK
6. Maybe some of y’all keep your cash in dollars instead of exchanging it for Crystals and you’ve got a little extra this season. Or maybe your pay pigs have been treating you right and you’re looking to splurge. However you can swing a little luxe, treat yourself to this 6’ Long Cigarette from The Sharper Image! The 2025 Camel Ultra-Wide from the good people at RJ Reynolds is only available through The Sharper Image and Skymall, so if you want your Christmas Parties to be smoky af, order now to make sure they ship in time.
These perfectly aged longboys are made from a blend of the finest Turkish and American tobaccos, so you know they’re mighty tasty, bet! You’ll walk a mile just puffing down from one end of these smokehoagies to the other. I need a drink now, my mouth is raw just thinking about chugging all that flavor.
Promising Review: There was this store I went to, one time. I was in San Antonio, Texas on my way to Amarillo. We slept that night near the Alamo, your skin was so soft. And before dawn you took me to the mall. The store had this chair. Black leather dark as the sky above. All I remember is the way it vibrated my pecker when you turned it on. You showed me all around the store, Sharper Image Girl. Love. — Jack F, Hibbing MN
I’m gonna have to buy one of those huge darts myself, you guys. I can get the money together. I’m thrifty but not trauma thrifty. Never Ending War this weekend is gonna suck tho. We’ve got Clint0n Slaylin in our bracket—they’ve been the #1 guild since Fall Tour started. But if you bozos sign up with promo code SQUATCHMERCH I’ll be rolling in fucking crystals. See you after War, ya cheap fucks!
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