BUTLER – A cowardly assassination attempt on former President Donald Trump was thwarted by the perky, angelic spirit of recently deceased aerobic icon Richard Simmons. The Reality Register’s resident psychic, Lady Bacon, has communed with various spirits, delivering elusive insights into this shocking tale.
Lady Bacon’s Psychic Revelation
Lady Bacon, a trusted psychic at the Reality Register, has a long history of accurately predicting and communicating with the spirit world. According to her, the spirit of Richard Simmons, the flamboyant fitness guru, intervened at the critical moment to save Trump. This intervention came after Simmons received an outpouring of public sympathy from Trump back in 2016. Despite being an empty gesture, Simmons appreciated it so much that he delayed his ascension to heaven to return the favor.
The Assassination Attempt
The assassination attempt occurred recently, with a somewhat deformed assailant armed with a silver bullet, under the mistaken belief that Trump is a werewolf. This bizarre notion flies in the face of the conventional wisdom that Trump is actually the avatar of American greed and excess, and can only be destroyed by sound fiscal policy and prudent spending. Still, the bullet nearly found its mark.
Richard Simmons’ Heroic Sacrifice
When the gunman fired, the angelic spirit of Richard Simmons materialized to intercept the bullet. The silver bullet, however, had an unintended magical consequence. It destroyed Simmons’ angelic form, binding him to take Trump’s place in the afterlife. Simmons, known for his vivacious personality and lifelong dedication to fitness, now finds himself in a cosmic role-reversal with the former president.
Trump’s Afterlife Consequence
A lifelong unrepentant sinner and often described as a bit of a bootish lout, Trump has been condemned for decades to burn in the eternal lake of fire. Simmons, in a tragic twist of fate, is now forced to endure this torment in Trump’s stead until Trump passes on. There’s a sliver of hope for the extremely gay calisthenics enthusiast: if the former president mends his ways and seeks redemption, Simmons may be upgraded to heaven early, sparing him from prolonged suffering.
Richard Simmons’ Legacy
The story of Richard Simmons’ sacrifice has struck a chord with the public, blending the realms of politics, the supernatural, and celebrity culture. Known for his empathy and vibrant spirit, Simmons’ legacy now includes a heroic act that transcends the physical world. His fans are rallying to raise awareness and spiritual support for both Simmons and Trump, hoping for a positive outcome.
Public Reaction and Spiritual Implications
This supernatural intervention has sparked widespread debate and intrigue. Trump supporters and critics alike are urged to keep him in their prayers, not just for his political journey but for the salvation of Richard Simmons’ soul. The spiritual community is abuzz with discussions about the implications of such a swap and the potential for redemption and transformation.
Keep the former president in your thoughts and prayers, for in saving his soul, we may also save the spirit of Richard Simmons, a true hero in this supernatural saga.
Mohammed Sinclair
