As some of you know, I’m staying with my son Larry and my granddaughter Gene for the summer. He’s got a futon in the basement and it stays cool down here. It’s nice to spend time with both of them, but they’re the busy sort, so D.L. has been taking classes at the YMCA to get that “post-pump aura,” as my doctor Dr. Paul Coney likes to say.
My favorite class is Squats ‘n Shots on Saturday mornings. Get in a workout that ate and left no crumbs, and finish it with swigs of warm Popov by the hand sanitizer dispenser. It’s a nice time. It’s also where I’ve been running down scoops for new articles, since I’m short on futon money this month. The Squat Gals aren’t that up on Men’s Professional Sports, but they do use Facebook a lot, and that’s where stories break these days, I suppose.
This scoop about angels came from my friend Viv, and I think it’s got legs. I hope you enjoy.
The Top 5 Angels Who Influenced 3rd Down Conversions
#5: Raphael, Healer of God
Since Raphael only appears in the Book of Tobit, he isn’t the first angel sports fans think about. But the diehards know that this helpful seraphim famously led Tobit’s son Tobias out of the wilderness, and is directly responsible for at least one divinely inspired pass in inclement weather.
The Lions and Eagles played their December match-up in the worst weather conditions of the 2013 NFL season. Dubbed the “Blizzard Bowl,” over 8” of wind blown snow fell on the Lincoln Financial Field during the course of the game.
Most people remember the game because of LeSean McCoy’s 213 yard ground attack, but the angel Raphael had money on the Lions, and in a dramatic 2nd half play, on 3rd and 8, he blessed quarterback Matt Stafford with the vision to recover a tipped pass at the line of scrimmage and hit Joique Bell for a 1st down. Eagles fans were not happy. After taking a D-Cell to the head, Raphael quit it with the miracles and the Lions lost 34-20. Rafael moved on to following Men’s Tennis.
#4: Lucifer, the Morning Star
While theologians debate whether Lucifer currently counts among the Heavenly Host, it’s commonly understood that he had not yet fallen from grace on January 19, 2002, when the Raiders took on the Patriots in the AFC Divisional matchup.
Despite near white-out conditions, Tom Brady had willed the trailing Patriots into a position to take the lead. Down by three and with 1:50 left in the fourth quarter, Brady was hit by Charles Woodson and fumbled the ball. The Patriots season looked to be over.
What Woodson and Raiders coach Jon Gruden didn’t know was that the Patriots had some aces up their sleeve, and they wore black and white. After a quick review, head referee Walt Coleman explained that Brady hadn’t actually fumbled, he merely tucked the ball and then misplaced it. The play was ruled an incomplete pass, and on 3rd and 10 Lucifer himself guided Tom Terrific’s tight spiral into the hands of David Patten.
The Patriots covered and went on to win the Super Bowl the following month.
#3: Uriel, the Fire of God
The scholar. The guardian. The guide. Archangel Uriel, lit from behind by the flaming sun, is one of the most popular celestial figures in the esoteric writings of Christianity and Judaism. Even today, people looking for tranquility or foreknowledge of impending floods will petition Uriel for wisdom.
Uriel also loves messing with the over/under, and has swung his flaming sword over countless NFL games when the Squares got too cute.
The most dramatic example of Uriel’s divine judgement came in the 2010 season, on a Week 9 meeting of the Lions and the Jets. Despite recreational gamblers loving to pick the Over for the excitement of big scores, bettors realized that these two dismal teams were destined to stink up Ford Field, and the public money overwhelmingly landed on the Under.
Uriel could not let that stand. With a word, Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez converted a 3rd and 16 in the 4th Quarter to push the combined scores over 46, and the Sacred Scales of Caesar’s were balanced.
#2: Ángel Hernández, MLB Umpire (retired)
Widely considered by players, fans, and front offices alike to be one of the worst referees in MLB history, Ángel Hernández has nonetheless been sorted into the Grand Umpire Grimoire. Hernández has a number of “firsts” to put in his Hall of Trophies: first Cuban-American Major League ump, first umpire to get caught eavesdropping on his own disciplinary hearing, and first umpire to confound CC Sabathia so much the pitcher blurted out, “I don’t understand why he’s doing these games…He’s always bad,” in a post-game presser.
Some astute sports fans didn’t understand what Hernández was doing at a 2023 Monday Night matchup between the Titans and Dolphins. The Dolphins were battling to avoid a home loss to the last place Titans, driving the ball down the field to take a 4th Quarter lead. Keen observers noticed Hernández, clad in black and with lank hair covering his eyes, staring at quarterback Tua Tagovailoa and muttering something unintelligible.
Whatever he was doing, it was working. As he kept his eyes locked on Tagovailoa, the former Alabama star made a valiant drive toward the Titans end zone, getting close to field goal range. The ‘Phins seemed a lock to ice the game when some over-eager kids from the 300 section of Hard Rock Stadium assaulted Hernández, breaking his concentration. Tua threw a desperate pass behind the line of scrimmage to Jaylen Waddle, who was instantly swamped by Titan defenders. Miami lost 28-27.
#1: Gabriel, the Strength of God
One of the most powerful archangels, Gabriel holds a place of reverence across many traditions. It was Gabriel who announced the birth of John the Baptist and told the Virgin Mary that she would carry the son of God. In the Islamic faith, Gabriel revealed the words of the Qur’an to Prophet Muhammad. For these incredible feats, Gabriel will always be known as the ultimate messenger, and is revered by many—including postal workers.
Gabriel loves postal workers who love him back, and in March 2026 he heard the petitions of three USPS employees at an Indianapolis distribution center. He delivered a message they could not ignore: Do not be afraid, Mailmen, for you have found a favor! Just look in the boxes.
The mailmen did look, and lo, they found a diamond-crusted ‘49ers Super Bowl ring worth $10,000. They praised Gabriel and, according to surveillance footage, took turns wearing the ring around the facility. Gabriel left them at that point, as he had other messages to deliver across the globe, mostly via DM. Without angelic supervision, the sanctity of the gift faded. The three were down to convert the ring to cash, which angered the Lord.
The Indianapolis postal workers have been charged with felonies and face up to 2.5 years in prison if convicted.
Well, they don’t play football on Sunday (and Monday and Thursday and Saturday) for no reason. I’m sure I could dig up some more dirt on the refs and other mystical beings messing up the line, but my granddaughter Gene has me stuffing envelopes tonight for this state audit petition. I enjoy spending the time with her, but she always plays those old tapes of Mancow so loud it’s hard to have a conversation. Speaking of digging up dirt, I’m really not sure the HOA is going to be on board with what she’s doing by the bulkhead. I hope she got that cleared ahead of time. Oh well, gotta get some saliva flowing for those envelopes.
David Lavender
