In times of great global turbulence, the Olympic Games arrive to pit nation against nation and calm our troubled waters. I remember the legendary 1980 Olympics, where USA Hockey matched up against the dreaded Soviet Union. It was on in the background at an OTB in Sayerville, New Jersey. I don’t remember how the game turned out, but the handsome young man with the feathered hair standing next to me, betting his paycheck on Cozzenne to show at Saratoga – that was a young Jon Bon Jovi.
These five stories represent the five Olympic rings. Let the games begin.
Blue Ring: Smoke – Tahitian Surfing Village Facing First Major Loss
One of the newest Olympic sports, Surfing, has returned to the Paris games, and to honor France’s legacy of colonialism, the events are being held in tropical Tahiti. Apparently they couldn’t get the wave machine working in the Marseilles sewers.
From all accounts, however, the facilities for the event are tremendous, with many participants claiming that the Tahitian Surfing Village is easily the gem of the games.
Organizers are concerned, however, after a container shipment of French Gauloises cigarettes was denied port entry, citing, “attitude de merde” amongst the athletes. This is bad news for Team France, whose surfers (Frurfers) would be given the iconic blue packs of smokes as rewards for catching a gnarly wave. Hang loose, surfers! Go USA!
Yellow Ring: Sand — Greg Gumble Stranded in Tunesian Desert, Misses Opening Ceremonies
NBC Sports correspondent Greg Gumble has not been seen in Paris, and was replaced for the coverage of the opening ceremonies by Payton Manning. Gumble, who is an avid pilot and was flying an experimental aircraft across the Atlantic to attend the Games, was last known to be in the middle of the Tunesian Desert, where he miraculously had internet service and posted to his X account, @greggumbel_: Safe…Engine Failure…Only enough drinking water for eight days… More isolated than a man locked out of NBC Sports Studios in Stamford, Conn…
The story posted over the next several days is one of the most riveting in sports history, with Mr. Gumble telling the tale of how he encountered a sad young boy who wanted him to draw a picture of a sheep. Despite numerous angry protests from the boy, Mr. Gumble proceeded to draw a picture of a boring men’s hat, by far his favorite thing to draw.
Black Ring: Death – Canadian Men’s Soccer Coach Suspended After Accusations of Necromancy
There’s something rotten in Canadian Soccer. Just days after Canadian Women’s Soccer Coach Beverly Priestman was suspended for using a drone to record opponents practices in violation of IOC regulations, the Men’s team is in hot water for far more sinister offenses. According to reports from the stadium, international soccer legend Pelé was seen taking the pitch with Team Canada, despite his Brazillian heritage and death from colon cancer in 2022. While bringing the dead back to life is not explicitly a violation in the current rulebook, the coach has been suspended while an evaluation takes place. Former WWE Superstar Owen Hart was also seen on the Canadian Bench, and while in uniform, it is uncertain if he was in physical condition to play after being dead for twenty-five years. This situation is developing. Go USA!
Green Ring: Poison – Team USA Rowing Declares Advantage In The Polluted Seine
One of the great storylines in the lead up to the Paris Games has been the water events on the River Seine, not only for the majestic image of our great athletes on that famous waterway, but also for the atrocious quality of the water, which one scientist from Arkansas declared, “…would skin the butter off a brisket, ain’t no two ways about it!” Some Olympic rowing teams are concerned with athletes getting exposure to toxic substances during the events, or even succumbing to the haughty, arrogant fumes that hang over the river in the morning. But not Team USA!
Team USA pulled their swimming and rowing crews entirely from Upstate New York, where they trained for the event on the famous Love Canal. Far from just being a sexy novelty for grownups to enjoy, Love Canal is also the nation’s first Superfund site, and was the perfect proving grounds for our 2024 Olympic aquatic teams. Go USA!
Red Ring: Heart – Love Blossoms At Paris Olympic Village
One of the heartwarming tales that comes out of each and every Olympic games is just how horny these world-class athletes are, and how life at the Olympic Village is like an even cooler version of the movie Meatballs. But for some, the Games are not just a story of breathless sexual awakening. That could have been the tale of Darlene Rontonski of the US Olympic Digimon Team, who was so enamored with shifter romances that she failed to make a love connection with any of the perfect physical specimens surrounding her – even hairy ones like Bulgarians.
What Darlene didn’t know, however, was that Paris is the City of Love, and also the city of the loup-garou, the Frenchest werewolf of them all. Can love bloom under the moonlight? Go USA!
David Lavender
